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start of something new.

June 10th

I’m going to start posting just about daily as a way to cope with the never ending struggle I have to go through with hearing realistic voices, I know they’re in my head but they sound at the worst times like they’re coming from right outside my ears. But I’ve been dealing with this for close to four years now, and its a struggle daily just to get through the day. But for the past 2-3 months I’ve seen two different psychologists about these voices and the fact that they cause me to have horrible anxiety and depression. And I’ve been put on two different antidepressants and after today two different antipsychotics to deal with this, and none of them have worked so far. For the past few days I relapsed because of the horrible things I hear constantly, just last night something terrible happened and I feel like they took over and destroyed what little self control I had left. But maybe if I keep up with this it can become a coping strategy and maybe I can help someone else that is dealing with this too.

So I haven’t been on in a long long time but just because I got a new job that I’m getting better hours and pay. But anyways the last two weeks me and my boyfriend were talking about children, because I was 10 days past my aunt Flo due date and I’m not on birth control. But yesterday my monthly present came. And now its got me thinking am I relieved that I’m not pregnant or am I disappointed, because even with us both working right now I’m on food stamps and some nights we barely eat. I’m disappointed that its not my time yet to be the wonderful mother everyone even my new coworkers say I’ll be. But I’m relieved that I’m not bringing a new life into this fucked up world yet. Especially since I struggle with depression, OCD and possible schizophrenia and my meds aren’t helping at all. So I guess we’re gonna wait for now especially since I’m gonna be going to college soon (yay!) but maybe I’ll ask if I don’t need to be on birth control.

Wish me luck <3

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